Jurutera

I am not an expert in the Malay language; I am more of a critic. It somewhat hurts me to see the influx of English words into the Malay vocabulary, especially when there is a Malay equivalent. For example; destination in Malay is destinasi and transaction is transaksi. I don’t see the need for such words when we already have ‘tujuan’ and ‘urusan’. I can go on and on so I better not start. I wrote a piece on the Malay language [here].

Today I want to talk about this Malay term – JURU.

My understanding of the term is that it denotes ‘the person who does something’.

For example; ‘rawat’ is nurse so a jururawat is a person who nurses. Jurukamera is a cameraman because he deals with a kamera (camera) and juruwang is a cashier because he deals with wang, wang is money and cashiers deal with money. Juruterbang is a pilot because terbang is fly and pilots fly, an aeroplane. Juruhias decorates as hias means decorate. Jurusolek does your make up.

My question is what is a TERA? If JURU means a person who does something, a jurutera is a person who ‘tera’.

What the fish is a tera???

A Tale of Two Cows

This has nothing to do with Shahrizat and her cows. These jokes have been floating around cyberspace for many years now; I reproduce them for the enjoyment of my two loyal readers.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM. You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

10 Reasons Why Terrorists Will Never Harm Malaysia

I found this on the web. Click [here] for the original posting. It is really funny.

10 reasons why terrorists will never harm Malaysia

Written by Mailbag 

Mastering English

I do not claim to be a proficient English speaking dude. In fact, I would only rate my English as decent, not excellent but quite good. I however have seen some resume proclaiming excellent English both written and spoken but upon meeting, I discover the English is excellent, for a 10 year old that is. While we may have more English speakers in this country today, the quality of English spoken have somewhat deteriorated. No?

Like it or not, English is the global lingua franca. Everyone wishing to participate in the global economy cannot do without knowing English (the language, not Johnny the spy). Learning, speaking, reading, writing English doesn't make anyone less patriotic. 

Anyway, what got me writing about English was this and this. Please check it out and enjoys the Ingliss!! If it make you laughed, thats mean you have understand Ingliss*

By the way, a new 'weapon of mass destruction' was found - clothes that pokes the eyes!!

*Please do not attempt to correct the grammar or spelling!

Letter to My Boss

Dear Tan Sri 'X',

You don't know me but I know you. I know you because I work for you. I'm sure you saw me at the open house we had last week, I'm the tall-ish guy with the goatee dressed in the blue Johor-style baju Melayu. 

In case you're wondering why I'm writing you this letter, let me reassure you that I'm not asking for a raise. Not that I don't want a raise, a raise would be good and while you're at it why not throw in a promotion as well. I would love to know how it feels to be an M2. Heck, why stop at M2, make me an M1 or a SM5 even, with a Camry thrown in. 

I digress. Any right thinking judge could see there was mens rea in my digression.

I digress. Again.

My real reason for writing this letter is to humbly request for a loan from you. I know you have a lot of cash lying around. Especially after you sold that company to the Singaporeans. I know you spent a bit of the sales proceeds on some stuff in the land of our former colonialist (yeah boss, show the gwailos who is boss!) but if my maths is right you still have a few truck loads of cash stuffed somewhere. 

Now that we have established that you have lotsa moola, can you spare me some loose change? I initially wanted to ask for three hundred million quid but that stockbroker guy from Singapore decided to spoil the party and come in with a 320 million bid so I need at least 330, maybe 350, tops. 

I was told you're a fan of Islamic banking so I would like to thank you in advance for granting this qardhul hassan loan to me. May you become richer and richer, especially after you buy that company and merges it with the company you already own.

You must be asking now why do I need so much money? Like you, I'm also a sports fan. maybe our sports differ but we share the same passion - sports. I'm sure you heard of the predicament faced by my beloved football club, Liverpool. If we don't pay RBS by the end of this week, they will put LFC under administration. How ironic! Wasn't RBS almost under administration a few years back? They needed the British taxpayers to bail them out. It's a funny world we live in eh, Tan Sri? 

With your money, LFC's debt will be wiped out and I will be appointed Chairman of the Board. If you're interested to sit on the Board with me, just tell me and you'll have a seat. We'll then go shopping for players and build a beautiful new stadium. I'll let you choose the contractor but you'll must promise to let me design the stadium. 

We don't really need that many players but we'll buy a partner for Torres, I'm thinking of Darren Bent or maybe Adebayor, since he hasn't got much to do at City. We need a good left-back and center-back, maybe Warnock, Kjaer or Hummels. The midfield needs some beef and flair, I like to see Marek Hamsik in our team.  

Until we get those players in January, this is the team I'll play (if I'm the manager, I have nothing against Uncle Woy):

4-4-2

Reina; 
RB - Johnson, CB - Carragher, CB - Skrtel, LB - Konchesky;

LM - Cole, CM - Gerrard, CM - Meireles, RM - Kuyt;

CF - Torres, CF - Jovanovic;

Subs:

Agger, Poulsen, Babel, Lucas, Jones (GK)

Please bank in the money into my account in Cayman Island. Your secretary knows my account number.

Thank you sir. God bless! 

LFC The Movie?

Apparently Mike Myers and Samuel L Jackson are Liverpool FC fans and apparently they plan to make a movie about LFC. That is if you believe The Daily Mail. 

I did some googling and found some interesting LFC derived movie names. For the benefit of the less informed, I've included some background/explanation.

Dudek Where's My Car

Jerzy Dudek was the European Cup final hero in 2005 when Liverpool beat AC Milan on penalties.

Dude Where's My Car is a film starring Ashton Kucher and Jennifer Garner.

Anfield of Dreams

LFC's home stadium is Anfield Rd Stadium

Field of Dreams is a Kevin Costner film about dead baseball players.

The Kuyt Runner

Dirk Kuyt is the Liverpool striker from Holland

The Kite Runner is a movie about an Afghanistan boy, good movie.

Beverly Hills Kop

The Kop is name of the stands behind the goal at Anfield. it's named after 'Spion Kop', it's some Boer War thing where Liverpool born soldiers fought. Or something like that.

Eddy Murphy. No need to elaborate la kan? 

Rush Hour

Ian Rush is probably the greatest ever Liverpool striker. 

Rush Hour is a that cop movie starring Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker.

Reina Man

Pepe Reina is the current Liverpool number 1 shot stopper. He wears number 25 though.

Rain Man is an 80s movie. Tom Cruise and Dustin Hoffman are the only two names I recognise from the film.

ShawShanks Redemption

Bill Shankly is LFC's legendary manager. His nickname is Shanks

Shawshank Redemption is a movie about prisoners and prison and how to dig a hole.  

Quoting a Quote

From http://art-harun.blogspot.com/

The 1 Sentence Article Series: #1 - sports betting license

The irony about the sports betting license issued by the BN government lies in the fact that there was so much hoo-hahs generated by the BN during the Hulu Selangor by-election that Zaid Ibrahim was a gambler and a drinker - thus making him a sinner, I presume - and yet now the BN government has granted a license for sports betting to a Vincent Tan's company.

English 101

A colleague sent me this ... the quality of English is just so *******


Aussie MP's? MP's? sheesh

Yes, it is Australian practice to interfere with Australian courts!!!


These people are so memalukan!!

Lawak Laa

I got all these funny stuff through emails. None of them were my own although I wish they were. I found them to be weally funny. Kudos to the authors!

(rated 18 SX)

• Laksamana adalah jawatan besar di dalam kesultanan Melayu Melaka. "Laksa Kedah" atau ”Laksa Johor” pula adalah contoh jawapan kalau orang tanya kita "laksa mana ni?" Jangan sekali kali jawab laksa Melaka kerana Melaka tidak ada laksa, cuma ada gula
• Tahukah Anda dalam bahasa Inggeris dan Italy, jurugambar dikenali sebagai paparazi. Perkataan itu dipercayai diambil dari watak paparazzo dalam filem La Dolce Vita yang diterbitkan oleh Federico Fellini pada tahun 1960. Dalam bahasa melayu pula, ayah kepada seorang budak yang bernama Razzi juga boleh dikenali dengan nama papa Razzi.
• Membuat tahu sumbat sungguh meletihkan. Lebih letih lagi kalau orang lain hanya tahu nak sumbat je tahu sumbat dalam mulut.
• Sesetangah orang memanggil cili sebagai cabai. Tapi kalau mulut nak kena cabai, cuba la cakap 'cibai' kat depan orang tua-tua.
• Tahukah Anda orang yang tidak pernah kisah langsung tentang wang ringgit, pangkat, kedudukan dan harta dunia ialah Orang Utan.
• Bermain bola keranjang memang meletihkan. Bermain di ranjang juga boleh meletihkan.
• Aurat dan urat adalah dua benda yang berbeza. Namun begitu, apabila melihat perempuan yang mendedahkan aurat, urat lelaki akan "krem" di sesetengah kawasan.
• Kuih tat enak di makan. Tapi apabila kita makan lapan keping kuih tat, kita mungikin dituduh mencarut. Kalau tak percaya, cuba kira satu tat, dua tat, tiga tat, sampai lapan.
• Tahukah anda apabila 350ml air yang diambil dari sinki dan kemudiannya dituangkan ke dalam cerek yang mengandungi 150ml air suling dan dibiarkan terdedah kepada nyalaan api bersuhu 100 darjah celcius akan menghasilkan satu cecair yang dinamakan air masak.
• Allahyarham P.Ramlee tak pernah dapat Lesen P sebab baru diperkenalkan. Penyanyi pop yeh yeh L.Ramli mungkin pernah dapat lesen L. Tapi Allahyarham A.Ramlie tak pernah dapat lesen A sebab mana ada lesen A.
• Tahukah Anda gunung berapi yang berusia tiga ratus tahun disahkan masih aktif untuk meletup. Tapi mengikut kajian ahli gunung, api elektrik di rumah kita tidak akan aktif jika tidak membayar bilnya selama tiga bulan.
• Sebuah kereta yang dipandu selaju 120 km/j tidak akan dapat memotong kereta yang dipandu selaju 40 km/j sekiranya kereta-kereta tersebut dipandu dari arah yang bertentangan
• Tahukah Anda magnet ialah sejenis logam yang juga digelar besi berani. Sebagaimana namanya magnet ialah besi yang berani menarik butir-butir besi lain kearahnya. Bagaimanapun orang yang diupah untuk menarik besi buruk bukanlah magnet. Magnet tidak ada kena mengena dengan Nasi Beriani.
• Kondominium tidak ada kena mengena dengan kondom. Tetapi di kondominium kita boleh dapat banyak kondom terpakai.
• Tahukah Anda bendera negara Denmark telah dicipta 700 tahun lampau, menjadikan bendera paling lama digunakan di dunia, malah lebih lama daripada penggunaan susu cap bendera.
• Tahukah Anda cicak memutuskan ekornya apabila diganggu. Apabila cicak menyedari yang dia diekori oleh sesuatu, ia akan memutuskan ekornya supaya benda itu tidak mengekorinya lagi atas alasan tanpa ekor sudah tentu ia tidak akan diekori lagi.
• Ramai orang lelaki takut kalau-kalau mati pucuk. Tapi tak takut kalau-kalau mati esok. (Sori! Mesej berunsur dakwah)
• Tahukah Anda bunyi perkataan lempeng dan tempeleng adalah hampir sama walaupun ia berbeza dari segi rupa bentuknya. Tapi, walaubagaimanapun orang yang kena tempeleng masih boleh memakan lempeng apabila dia berasa lapar.

Stupid Quotes

"Facts are stupid things."
- Ronald Reagan, Former U.S. President

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign.

"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."
- Charles De Gaulle, former French President

"Listen, everyone is entitled to my opinion."
- Madonna

"I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were ever supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."
- Miss Alabama, in the 1994 Miss Universe contest, when asked if she would want to live forever.

"Predictions are difficult, especially about the future."
- Yogi Berra, Baseball player

“If you love somebody, set them free”
Probably the stupidest quote ever. Only idiots do that. If you love somebody, shouldn’t you be dropping everything else and go after the one you love? Why should you give up the one you love?

But the best, most honest quote comes from Cindy Crawford. She said;
"Models are like baseball players. We make a lot of money quickly, but all of a sudden we're 30 years old, we don't have a college education, we're qualified for nothing, and we're used to a very nice lifestyle. The best thing is to marry a movie star."

From the Horse’s Mouth

Our Ministers say the darndest things too!*

Dato’ Seri Mohd Nazri Abdul Aziz (De-facto Law[less?] Minister) said;
"After ACA officers investigated those involved in the video clip, it was concluded that there is no abuse of power. The Attorney-General (AG) has decided that no further action is needed."

An excerpt from the report of the royal commission set up to investigate the VK Lingam tape scandal:
"The Commissioners find sufficient evidence of misbehaviour on the part of certain individuals or personalities identified or mentioned in the video clip."
"The Commissioners find sufficient cause to invoke the Sedition Act 1948, the Legal Profession Act 1976, the Official Secrets Act 1972 and the Penal Code against the various individuals mentioned in the video clip which we have elaborated in the Report. We do not discount the possibility of other laws being contravened. We leave it to the Attorney General, Malaysia and the Malaysian Bar Council to take the appropriate actions against the personalities implicated."

Sam says – how is that the royal commission was able to find “sufficient evidence of misbehaviour …” but the ACA can’t? Why did the AG classify the case as NFA when the royal commission found “sufficient cause to invoke the Sedition Act 1948, the Legal Profession Act 1976, the Official Secrets Act 1972 and the Penal Code …”?

Dr. Mohd Puad Zarkashi (Deputy Education Minister) said;
“This also occurs in government-linked companies where we have this weird culture of people speaking to each other in English instead of the national language, we are polluting our own culture and identity as a nation."

Sam says – weird is adopting English words into the Malay language when there are existing Malay words with the same meaning. Don’t believe me? Click here for evidence.

Tun Dr Mahathir Mohamed (needs no introduction) said;
"It's about time he goes. Like me also lah, when you become old, you become nanyuk (senile)."
"I am of the opinion that leaders should not hold on to their positions for too long as they would become kolot (out of date).
"Before people say when is this old man going to go, you should go. Then only people will remember you. If you wait for people to kick you out then people will say nasty things about you."

Sam says – how come you don’t subscribe to your own opinion on holding positions for too long? Are you aware of the fact that (some, a lot of) people are saying nasty things about you?

Tun Dr Mahathir Mohamed said;
"Saya amat gembira. Daripada awal lagi saya telah menjangkakan kita (BN) boleh menang kerana itu kawasan kita. Isa memang kuat di situ dan orang India [berwarganegara Malaysia] juga sokong dia."

Sam says – Tun, didn’t you say this before the election?
"Tan Sri Isa has already been found guilty. If Umno fields him, it means that Umno is not serious about such cases. Even if he can win there, [we] have to consider what the whole of Malaysia thinks of Umno ... "A leader will not do anything to destroy the party. If you know that you are no longer qualified, for whatever reason, you stop. Don't cling on [to the post]."

K Kamine Devi, scored 10 A1s for SPM. Public Service Department (JPA) rejected her application for a scholarship to study medicine. Despite issuing a statement guaranteeing scholarships for students who scored 9 As.
"I refused to believe my eyes when I found out on Sunday through the PSD website that my application was unsuccessful. I felt that my world collapsed that day. I just want to become a doctor so I can serve the country."

PM Dato’ Seri Najib Razak said;
"We must bring the talents home and provide incentives to keep them home."

Sam says – People like Kamine Devi leave because they were not given equal opportunities in the first place. Do you seriously think incentives would entice them to come home after how they were treated by the (UMNO) government? Please lah.

Dato’ Seri Dr Khir Toyo said;
"The state government did not think... the cow's head was displayed because it is a 'stupid' animal, to show that the state government made a 'stupid' decision, and disrupted the peace of Section 23 residents. [It has] nothing to do with religious issues."**

Sam says – how stupid can you be? And he was MB? Memang Bodoh.


*apologies to Art Linkletter and Bill Cosby
** MIC Youth social and charity bureau head S Subramaniam lodged a police report against Khir Toyo for calling the cow "stupid" and said it showed his insensitivity towards Hinduism.

Kantoi!!

This is based on a true story … ahem …

A wife asks her hubby, "Yang, if I died would you remarry?"

He replies, "Well, after a considerable period of grieving and weekly tahlil arwah, we all need companionship, I guess I would."

She says, "If I died and you remarried, would she live in this house?"

He replies, "Ara Damansara is a nice neighbourhood. You've spent a lot of time and money getting this house just the way you want it. I'm not going to get rid of your house, I guess she would."

So she asks, "If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house, would she sleep in our bed?"

And he says, "That bed is brand new, I just paid two thousand ringgit for it, using my credit card. The bed is going to last a long time, I guess she would."

So she asks, "If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house, and slept in our bed, would she use my Wilson Staff golf clubs?"

And he says, "Oh no, she doesn’t play golf."

The SB, the MACC and the FRU

I found this joke on the net and decided I should modify it to suit the local scene. I risk being arrested for this but to those planning to arrest me, I beg please have some sense of humour, this is a JOKE. Jokes are meant to be funny, they poke at our peculiarities, and we are supposed to be able to laugh at ourselves. There is no malice in jokes. Have I made myself clear? If you guys still decide to arrest me, I feel sorry for your mothers.

The SB, The MACC, and the FRU are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals.

The PM decides to give them a test. He releases a frog into the Bukit Cerakah forest reserve and asked each of them to catch it.

The MACC goes in.
They place animal informants and agent provocateurs throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations and taking statements they conclude that frogs do not exist. A tapir was found dead in a ravine after being ‘interviewed’ for 18 hours.

The FRU goes in.
After two weeks cordoning the centre of Bukit Cerakah and causing massive traffic jams all the way to Seremban, they spray the forest with water cannons, injuring everything in it, including the frog, and they make no apologies. The frog had it coming.

The SB goes in.
They come out two hours later with a badly beaten and bitten duck. The duck is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a frog! I'm a frog!

When there is a Will

There is a way

The Malay version of the above saying is “Kalau hendak, seribu daya; kalau tak hendak, seribu dalih”. Literally, it is translated as (in Manglish) “If you want something, you will put in thousands of efforts; if you don’t want; you will make thousands of excuses”.

Quotable Quotes

Fitness Centre sign: "Self Esteem is feeling good about yourself - regardless of the facts."

Crime doesn’t pay… Does that mean my job is a crime?

Any woman that thinks the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high.

Never forget that you’re unique, just like everyone else.

If practice makes perfect, and nobody’s perfect, why practice?

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try. (Homer Simpson)

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

Life is what happens to you when you’re making other plans.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself.

It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal the neighbour’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.

Money can’t buy you happiness… but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. (Spike Milligan)

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere. (Billy Crystal)

To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.

Do You Believe In Ghosts?

I found this on the net ...

A professor at a University is giving a seminar on the supernatural. Getting a feel for his students, he asks “How many of you believe in ghosts?” About 80 of his students raise their hands.

“That’s a good start I suppose. Those of you who believe in ghosts, how many have actually seen a ghost?” About 30 students raise their hands.

“That’s good. I’m really glad you’re taking this seriously. Ok, has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?” About a dozen students raise their hands.

“That’s a great response. Has anyone ever touched a ghost?” Two students raise their hands. “That’s fantastic. But let me ask you one last question… have any of you ever made love to a ghost?”

One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He removes his glasses, takes a step back, and says, “Son, in all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever actually claimed to have slept with a ghost. Why don’t you come up here and tell us about it.”

The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor says, “Well, tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost.”

The student replies, “Ghost? Oh… I thought you said ‘goats’!”

The Many Faces of a Deer