Letter to My Boss

Dear Tan Sri 'X',

You don't know me but I know you. I know you because I work for you. I'm sure you saw me at the open house we had last week, I'm the tall-ish guy with the goatee dressed in the blue Johor-style baju Melayu. 

In case you're wondering why I'm writing you this letter, let me reassure you that I'm not asking for a raise. Not that I don't want a raise, a raise would be good and while you're at it why not throw in a promotion as well. I would love to know how it feels to be an M2. Heck, why stop at M2, make me an M1 or a SM5 even, with a Camry thrown in. 

I digress. Any right thinking judge could see there was mens rea in my digression.

I digress. Again.

My real reason for writing this letter is to humbly request for a loan from you. I know you have a lot of cash lying around. Especially after you sold that company to the Singaporeans. I know you spent a bit of the sales proceeds on some stuff in the land of our former colonialist (yeah boss, show the gwailos who is boss!) but if my maths is right you still have a few truck loads of cash stuffed somewhere. 

Now that we have established that you have lotsa moola, can you spare me some loose change? I initially wanted to ask for three hundred million quid but that stockbroker guy from Singapore decided to spoil the party and come in with a 320 million bid so I need at least 330, maybe 350, tops. 

I was told you're a fan of Islamic banking so I would like to thank you in advance for granting this qardhul hassan loan to me. May you become richer and richer, especially after you buy that company and merges it with the company you already own.

You must be asking now why do I need so much money? Like you, I'm also a sports fan. maybe our sports differ but we share the same passion - sports. I'm sure you heard of the predicament faced by my beloved football club, Liverpool. If we don't pay RBS by the end of this week, they will put LFC under administration. How ironic! Wasn't RBS almost under administration a few years back? They needed the British taxpayers to bail them out. It's a funny world we live in eh, Tan Sri? 

With your money, LFC's debt will be wiped out and I will be appointed Chairman of the Board. If you're interested to sit on the Board with me, just tell me and you'll have a seat. We'll then go shopping for players and build a beautiful new stadium. I'll let you choose the contractor but you'll must promise to let me design the stadium. 

We don't really need that many players but we'll buy a partner for Torres, I'm thinking of Darren Bent or maybe Adebayor, since he hasn't got much to do at City. We need a good left-back and center-back, maybe Warnock, Kjaer or Hummels. The midfield needs some beef and flair, I like to see Marek Hamsik in our team.  

Until we get those players in January, this is the team I'll play (if I'm the manager, I have nothing against Uncle Woy):

4-4-2

Reina; 
RB - Johnson, CB - Carragher, CB - Skrtel, LB - Konchesky;

LM - Cole, CM - Gerrard, CM - Meireles, RM - Kuyt;

CF - Torres, CF - Jovanovic;

Subs:

Agger, Poulsen, Babel, Lucas, Jones (GK)

Please bank in the money into my account in Cayman Island. Your secretary knows my account number.

Thank you sir. God bless!